A letter to my Dad!

To my Dad,

I remember it all like it was yesterday. . The searing pain that seemed to slice through me like a knife, the pain that caught my breath, the pain I thought never existed but even now I can feel that pain like it was yesterday.
I can remember everything in that moment and how it was all taken away. I remember the sudden loss and the almost unbearable grief that took over. I remember the tears that were to follow for a very long time and I remember the questions.
See remembering is easy but then I try to find you in my memory, all I can find is the pain.

I feel like I’m drowning but the water never fully pulls me under, I keep catching my breath and for that second, that instant when my lungs burn from the air, I feel ok and then it engulfs me again.

Not seeing your face or hearing your voice or having you call my name is torture.
Every time I walk into a room I am reminded of something you said or did so I now no longer want to go there, each space holds a memory and I lie awake and cry at night cause slowly but surely that memory is fading and what if I forget them, I sometimes close my eyes and realize your not there and I can’t see you anymore, not just physically but in my head where I thought you would always stay, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night just because I can’t see your face anymore or I can’t hear your voice or I think I can hear you crying and then I remember, I only have a picture to remember you and your voice is long gone and those tears that I thought I could hear dropping, they were mine!
It feels like when I laugh I should feel guilty because I miss you so very much.

Worst of all I now know the meaning of ‘my heart shattered into a million pieces’….. it feels like if I look down I can see each piece on the ground, like I am bleeding as I walk but no one can see it but me and every time I look for the blood or a piece of my heart, its missing and that one more memory has been snatched away from me……
I sometimes wonder what makes pain go away, I’m not sure anything. I remember someone telling me ‘Time heals pain’ but I am not so sure, each day brings back that pain, the unimaginable pain and it never goes away. It lingers in a different shade or question or thought each day.

I keep thinking of old times when on a Sunday at dinner I would tell you that your red lemonade had spiders in it instead of bubbles and I would drink it till it were all gone and you would laugh but I can’t hear that laugh and I remember those moments but I can’t see your face.

I remember seeing your face in the hospital, the fear in your eyes is something I will never forget, you weren’t peaceful and calm like you would expect when someone is dying, everyone wasn’t there and you were panicked but you couldn’t hold on and I had to leave the room… Everyone spoke to you as if we were at home but I couldn’t, I froze, I wanted my friends, I wanted to be as far away from you as possible so that it wasn’t real and that’s what I did… I hid out so I didn’t have to look at that fear ever again.

When I close my eyes every night I don’t see your face but I see that fear in your eyes.


And then the guilt arrives like a rainstorm flooding in and I can’t catch my breath again, I didn’t/couldn’t even go to see you in the funeral home. I know why now, it is because I was afraid of the fear again, of seeing the pain in your face, everyone said you looked so peaceful, they sat and talked and said their goodbyes to you but me…. I did nothing… stayed away like a coward so that I could get on with it.

Now each time I close my eyes I don’t want to open them again because I’m not sure which is worse, dreaming of you and hurting or realizing your not there and hurting.

You see till someone can feel my heart beat slow enough to stop in my chest every time I think of you and realize the panic I feel then they will never understand how I feel.

I want to shout and scream and cry and sleep all at the same time because now your gone its only a select few memories that are the ones to always return, they are what I live by, they are my thoughts when I’ve had a good or a bad day and they are the ones I hope will never fade away.
They are the ones that get me through the days so everyday does not feel bad.
So there you have it….


Dad, I want you to know that you are always in my heart and always in my thoughts. Actually I will rephrase that, you are my heart and you are my thoughts.


I love you always with all my heart.
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