Today my phone beeped, vibrated, lit up, sputtered and practically wailed at me... Nothing new I would think it's just a text except opening the text there was a number and no name.
Ok still nothing new or surprising. I can deal with this, so I go to open it up, now at this stage I can hear you asking yourself, "what the hell is this girl on about? It's only a bloody text, its not like it's gonna kill her" BUT you see I know this number or at least a lifetime ago I did and I know I shouldn't open the text because I won't be able to resist. I know I should just delete it without even reading it, I know that curiosity killed the cat but I want to read it so bad my hand is shaking as if I were Shakira on speed. It feels like an eternity and my breath seems shallow when the words finally appear.
I don't know whether to smile or cry, whether to toss the phone or hug it tightly.
Frankly I am not even sure if I am hallucinating and the text is real.
You would think I just got a text from Vin Diesel or Paul Warwick but it's neither. It's worse than that... It's HIM!
There are two boys in my life I live in hope never text me again and at the same time I wish everyday that they would. You see both hurt me and both mean the world to me.
If they text I am powerless to not answer, it's like the will in my brain and body leave and my hand and my heart just write back. It's like I know these two people are bad for me but both are a drug.
One boy is what I would have called once upon a time my best friend. He's disappeared now, I am a figment of his imagination, someone who he thinks he may have cared about once but who hurt me so much in the course of our time that i'm pretty sure he never did. He is a person who turned his back on me when I really did need him and not even with reason. Each day I will him to text me just to show that I mattered but I think if he did I'd be too hurt with his excuse's that I'd hate him. I've had to delete his number from my phone and stop myself from texting him a million times because it's like anything, when you get used to talking to someone everyday and then they are gone, it's a hard habit to break. Sometimes I hear my phone beep and think it will be him but it never is now and my pride and hurt won't ever let me contact him again. Sometimes I want to ask him is he happy or ok or does he miss me or think of me but my anger won't let me do that. He, I really do think may be best left where he is, till one day he wakes up and realises he lost a friend that genuinely cared for him and he lost her for no reason at all!!
The other is my first love, the boy that makes everyone else dim when I see him and its not even that he's fantastic or anything, it's just because he is my first love, my first everything including my first heartbreak. Infatuated is a word I would use when I think of him and yet 11 years later I am still the same. A single word, a single thought, a single text can make me shake, loose control of all rational thought and that's what he's just done. I have not heard from him in 2 years and today he text to say 'hey and that he was thinking of me', like that is the most normal thing in the world and what is really worse is that I am powerless to not answer, I want to ignore it and think, 'well really after 11 years we need to grow up and grow apart' but my brain tells me 'after 11 years he still cares enough to text'..
Silly irrational thought really, that will surely lead into another 2 years of my life twoing and froing in all directions and us back where we started 11 years ago because we know where this starts and we know this ends.
Every few years we make contact, we do this whole friends thing which turns into a not so friends thing, then we tug at each other for the bones of two years and walk away, both bitterly disappointed and resentful that 2 more years are gone and yet we are still not any wiser.
This has been the sequence for 11 years. We stop, meet other people and then inevitably we get sucked in again, it's like one big giant hurricane that never seems to end, except now its getting tiresome.
I am 27 years old and should know better, he is 34 and we are still playing this silly game and yet here I am, twenty minutes after the first text, willing my phone to beep, waiting to play this game that I know will hurt me but I can't stop....
So anyone out there that has been here before, please just pray I make it out the other side smiling :)
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3 comments:
And smile you will in a few years time, but for now you know you can't stop yourself. We are women and our hearts are so much unreasonable than our minds, unfortunately. I've done the same many times in the past. And there is nothing in this world that would have made me stop.
I know the feeling BB, my advice would be to walk away and its hard but maybe for the best.
I hope that you eventually see the light at the end of the tunnel because you are still no.2 in this "relationship" and honey you are too beautiful a person to be no.2 in anything x
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