Save me from Single

Everyone has someone, Laurel had Hardy, Morecombe had Wise, French had Saunders, Ant had Dec, Beavis had Butt-head, come on even the 'Lone' Ranger had Tonto but me I am single, as in very, very single, out of the dating game single, actually thinking of a convent single.
Some things creep up on you unexpectedly. They make their way into your life without you knowing and being single is my cross to bare. Its not that I've never been not single and as I've said before it's not even that I want to change my status from being single but I am jealous.

I'll explain this properly in order for people to understand.

Recently I was invited to a wedding, not just any wedding but my best friends wedding. Ecstatically happy I was for her UNTIL I realised I was going to be the only singleton going. You see when you get to my age you realise that your email is full of Spam about loosing your hair or worse, your libido and your phone is full of pics of your friends new babies and your not getting invited to 21st anymore, it's now 30th etc. You realise that while you forgot what age you were everyone else grew up.

I am not jealous that she is happy or that she has a husband who adores her, I am jealous because her whole life is mapped out.
She has plans!
A house or actually a home, a husband, a good job she loves and here I am wondering what colour I'll dye my hair.
She's a grown up now and I still have Peter Pan syndrome and as much as I want to slow time down so I can catch up, time waits for no one!

How come a wedding invitation became such a life changing eye opener for me?

My other friends going seem to have grown up too, the are in long term relationships - even if they don't marry, they have had a practice run of growing up while I am busy trying to figure out a way to flirt with the delivery guy. I know I have in the past too but after the last one I decided I wanted out, I just didn't even know myself I would mean it so literally. Now I have no idea of where to even start.
Dates aren't a problem, I am everyones best friend so I could've taken a date its just it would always be my friend and I don't look at friends as potential boyfriends. (see friend boy. Its a nono)!!

So as a singleton I went, I had a ball and ended up having great fun with my recently single man-friend (nothing happened and I didn't put out - ask him, he'll tell anyone that'll listen) but still it opened my eyes to the fact that I still act as if I am in 3rd year of school, only now I have a REAL grown up legimate ID for the clubs!

How did my life move at a different pace to my friends and am I on the brink of becoming bitter about it?

I mean I say I don't want a boyfriend and I think I mean it but I also hate having a crush.....
At present I have a serious one and its madness, my whole days are consumed with liking this boy.

I no longer have control of mind: My mind constantly wonders off to whether he likes me, if not, why?, whether he looks at my social networking site, if not, why? and when I don't see him, I do what all girls do, eat myself into a chocolate oblivion.

I am very, very annoying: I know this, yet I am impervious to stop myself. I drop his name into every conversation even when the topic is not even remotely about him. I hear myself say it and cringe yet I do it again and again and again a thousand times a day.

I over think everything: I wonder did he smile because he was glad to see me or did he laugh because he thought I was funny or was he being polite, did his comment mean anything other than sign here please!

I can't work: It's simple, my boss may have to box me because when he comes in I am so giddy for the day I feel like Amy Winehouse on crack and thats just high on life and when I don't see him I am thinking, I wonder does he even know I exist. Even now I am wondering if he ever figured it all out, would he smile and be polite or fuck me 50 ways from sunday or just pretend he never knew....

Having a crush really has me worn the fuck out... I am thinking maybe I don't need to grow up at all!!
I mean after writing this a thought just struck me, being TOO single where you can't say if an ex is an ex, I mean we go on lots of dates but we are not dating, we're dating but we're not together, we're together but we're not a couple, grown ups have to deal with all that so maybe I'll bury my head in the sand for a little while longer and play Peter Pan for another while :)

Do I really need to be jealous when someone has what I am myself not even sure I want?
Do I really care whether a boy smiles or laughs at me?

Maybe some day the point will hit me straight in the face and I'll smile about this insistant rambling :)